Marriage Pearl # 18: Build up Your Spouse’s Emotional Bank Account

Think of the emotional balance of your marriage like a bank account, your emotional bank account.

When you make daily deposits of kindness, respect, and positivity into your spouse’s account, these little things add up tip the balance in your favor, especially when a crisis occurs or when you make a mistake.

Careless words, bad days, or errors in judgment, on the other hand, will deplete the account. A depleted account makes everything else in your relationship harder.

Studies have shown that the impact of a negative interaction basically weighs five times more than that of a positive interaction. What that means is that you need 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction to simply stay ahead.

Your best practice is to aim at having at least 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction during everyday life.

  1. To increase positive deposits, focus on things like the following:
    • Express gratitude: Show appreciation for your partner’s contributions to your life, and acknowledge the things they do that make you happy.
    • Show affection: Physical touch, hugs, kisses, and other gestures of affection can help strengthen your bond and build trust.
    • Listen actively: Pay attention to what your partner is saying, and show that you care about their thoughts and feelings by asking questions and engaging in conversation.
    • Offer support: Be there for your partner when they need you, and offer emotional support during difficult times.
    • Show empathy: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective, and be understanding and compassionate when they are going through a tough time.
  2. To minimize withdrawals, avoid things like the following:
    • Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character or personality instead of addressing a specific behavior or issue.
    • Defensiveness: Becoming defensive and refusing to take responsibility for your actions or listen to your partner’s perspective.
    • Contempt: Showing disrespect, disdain, or disgust for your partner through sarcasm, insults, or other negative behaviors.
    • Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation or shutting down emotionally, which can make your partner feel ignored or dismissed.
    • Invalidating: Dismissing your partner’s feelings or experiences, or making them feel like their emotions are not valid or important.

By building a healthy emotional bank account balance with your spouse, you are building a strong foundation of trust and goodwill in your relationship that will help you weather the inevitable conflicts and challenges that arise.